A Starting Point: So, why did you go and turn all Jewish, anyway?

 So, I thought I'd start out this new blog by answering the question of how I got here. This, of course, is the truncated and semi-sanitized version. But, a starting point, since everything here is about starting. So, here you go:

So, why did you go and turn all Jewish, anyway??

I’ve always been interested in Judaism. Although I am old enough to have few clear memories of my childhood, one memory that sticks with me is when I visited a synagogue with my Girl Scout Troup when I was about 8 years old. The Rabbi took the Torah out for us, and I still remember the feelings I had. I was filled with awe, and the experience, although brief, left a lasting impression. I continued to be interested in a Jewish life and the Jewish people. In high school I babysat for an orthodox family who kept kosher, and after I would get the children to school in the morning, I would sit and look through their Hebrew lettering books and wish I could read. I had my first thoughts of actually becoming Jewish on and off once I went to college. However, a good Catholic girl doesn’t shock and upset her entire family by converting to Judaism!  When I finally did approach my mother with the subject many years later, she was not unsupportive, but at that point I was married and had children and she counseled me to wait until my children were grown so as not to upset the family situation further. I agreed with her on a practical level, and I kept my feelings to myself, although I often secretly imagined myself Jewish, and prayed for guidance.

I finally became committed to conversion about 2.5 years ago. I like to joke, but half seriously, that I finally considered Judaism when my life was such a mess that converting couldn’t make things worse. I know that doesn’t sound like a resounding affirmation of my commitment, but I hope that my meaning is clear. I had 100 excuses why I couldn’t convert, and only when each excuse was ripped from me one by one did I finally allow myself to consider changing my entire life around to become Jewish. I do know that I had come to the point where I was spiritually and nearly physically dead, without hope for the future, and lost in an darkness that did not include a benevolent creator.

I am not sure how long I existed in this state of desperate spiritual emptiness. I struggled deeply with the existence of G-d. And, although I claimed not to believe, the thought of there being no ultimate creator, no higher power, filled me with such profound emptiness that I continued to struggle, to look, and to try to find answers. I was sure there was no G-d. But, on the other hand, I was sure I had to believe in one.

Around this point, I started to have dreams where I was sitting in front of a book filled with Hebrew characters. I realized that I had this deep desire to read Hebrew, and I started to look for a class on Biblical Hebrew. Soon after, I took on the name “Eve” (which means life) as an affirmation of the fact that I refused to lay down and die. After this, I don’t remember clearly all the details. I know that I essentially put my toe in a puddle, only to find that the puddle was an ocean, and I was caught in the undertow. From that moment on, my journey was instinctual, unconscious, and driven by a deep need to connect with the truth I sensed in Judaism. Three and a half later, I am here, without a clear, conscious idea of how I ended up where I am. I can only say for certain that I belong.

I converted orthodox 8 months ago. I have three children who have not converted, and I am married to a frum from birth sabra (oh my). I’d like to say that Judiasm solved all my problems, however, that would be a lie. Life is still complicated, challenging, and sometimes impossible. Yet, Judaism has given me a spiritual core, and a sense of peace. This is the faith I had been searching for my entire life, and I have finally come home.